Chiding by friends and relatives, spotless white linen, cot bedecked by jasmines, a tumbler of milk daintily placed in the groom's hands by the bride... images of the romantic suhaag raat, the gateway to the 'sacrosanct' institution of marriage dished out by the mainstream Indian cinema are contrary to women's perceptions of reality. Cries of despair, indignation, humiliation and protests emanate from them more than melodies with romantic lyrics.

"I hate being a woman," says Rashmi of Bangalore. "I detest my body," says Sharanya, also of the 'garden city'. "I wish I could humiliate him the way he has humiliated me," says Nafisa of Mumbai. They are among the few who have dared to question norms of sexual intercourse within marriage by crying rape. "Rape in marriage is a non-issue. After all, I am her husband. I have every right over my wife," says Asif, Nafisa's husband, echoing the values of the patriarchal social order. The state and the media also mirror these values. Only the incidents of rapes by those men who are not spouses are reported and included in statistical studies, when there are thousands of respectable married men who outrage the modesty of their wives within their bedrooms.

What is more shocking is that such acts are hardly deemed abnormal by most men, the common narrative being, 'If a woman has chosen to marry, it is the male prerogative to satiate himself on her body.' Women activists define marital rape as forced sexual intercourse with the wife by the husband often leading to intense physical pain and humiliation. "I remember vividly the humiliation and pain I went through," says 22-year-old Nafisa. "It began with our suhaag raat and stopped only when I left home scarred by eight months of torture. I was mauled physically and emotionally. But above all I was shattered because my dignity as a woman was torn to shreds".

"You get over the physical pain as time passes. The mental and emotional pain never goes away. It has been four years now, but I still wake up with nightmares," says Rashmi, a fashion designer. "Things were fine in the beginning" for Sharanya, a computer professional, who married her long-time boy friend, Pankaj, two years ago. "Gradually he became more demanding and the bedroom turned into a battle-field for supremacy," says Sharanya. "Initially I managed to prevent any kind of coercion. It eventually reached a stage where he expected me to perform undignified sexual acts. On my refusal, he would simply pin me down and abuse my body."

Though marital rape is the most common and repugnant form of masochism, in Indian society it is hidden behind the iron curtain of marriage. "What force are we talking about between married couples?" asks Chennai housewife Farzana Javed. "How can there be rape in wedlock?""Such thinking is fatalistic," fumes Kalpana Jyosti, a law school graduate. "If even educated women think that marriage is a license for intercourse, who is to pick up the cudgels on behalf of the battered women?" she asks.

In a society which recognises rape only when it is committed by a stranger, there seems little hope for the victims of marital rape. "The point is not whether I know the person [who raped me] or not. Am I supposed to draw solace from the fact that the man who raped me was my husband?" asks Dwedhya who had suffered her husband's bestial behaviour twice before she walked out on him.

Neelima Seth of Mumbai also left her businessman-husband after suffering two years of constant sexual abuse. "Rape is rape. Be it stranger-rape, date-rape or marital rape", says Neelima. "When the body of a woman is violated, physically, mentally and emotionally she goes through a phase of shock, disbelief, anger and shame."

Recalling her personal trauma, she says in the beginning it was very subtle. "He'd want to have sex even when I was tired, and I'd give in against my will. Later, when I tried resisting, he simply forced himself on me. Soon he started beating me.... I became a nervous wreck. The slightest touch from anyone would have me shivering uncontrollably. That's when I decided to leave". Dr D. Narayan Reddy, sex therapist and marriage counsellor disapproves of the term marital rape. "Power struggles that extend to the bedroom may lead to acts of violence which can be termed marital rape. But if we take into account the psycho-dynamics of rape, then marital rape will never fit into the category," he says.

Psycho-dynamics or not, marital rape exists. The law does not treat it as a crime. Even if it does, the issue of penalty remains lost in a cloud of legal uncertainty. "The legal system must be forced to accept rape within marriage as a crime. And women themselves must break free of societal shackles and fight for justice. They must refuse to comply with the standards applied to them as the weaker sex," says Sujatha, professor of sociology at Stella Maris College, Chennai. "The same chastity standards must be applied to both men and women," says Tamil writer Sivasankari. Easier said than done in a society where women are the butt of sexist jokes, where silence about their husbands' excesses is perceived to be the hallmarks of a 'good' wife.

Obviously, attitudes have to change for rape (marital or otherwise) not to happen. "Male children must be trained from childhood to respect women," says Sivasankari (pic; right). While family support is essential for the battered women, their real challenge lies in breaking the mindset that they cannot survive without men. "Women who leave their husbands and homes have few choices, be it in the area of economic independence or child-care facilities," says Mythili Sivaraman, national secretary of the All-India Democratic Women's Organisation. "We need to develop efficient and effective support-systems."

But the fact is that society is easily swayed by the values imparted through films. "Popular movies show women as pativrata, bearing the humiliation inflicted by the husband. At the other end of the spectrum, Hindi masala movies show the woman marrying someone who teases her, harasses her and even rapes her. This give men the false idea that they can get away with eve teasing, sexual harassment and rape," says V. Geeta, a member of Snehadi, a popular women's organisation.

"With little or no subtlety being used in depicting rape scenes and hence little being left to the imagination, the media's role is not just negative but extremely damaging," says lawyer Geetha Ramaseshan. She believes that a balanced approach by the media can help women recover lost ground. And that isn't asking for the skies!
 

Legal lacunae  There are hardly any laws to help abused wives and whatever laws are there are not strictly enforced. "Courts do not easily order injunctions against husbands accused of domestic violence. Such being the case, even if marital rape is branded an offence, the response of the legal system is not going to be positive," says lawyer, Geetha Ramaseshan (pic; left). The major legal lacunae that come in the way of empowering women against marital rape are:  Though protection of the dignity of women is a fundamental duty under the Constitution, domestic violence and rape do not come under the definition of dignity. A husband cannot be prosecuted for raping his wife because consent to matrimony presupposes consent to sexual intercourse. Though women's rights advocates secured a legal clause in 1983 under which it is unlawful for a man to have sexual intercourse with his separated wife, pending divorce, the courts are reluctant to sentence husbands in spite of the law.  "The whole legal system is in a mess, replete with paradoxes," says Dhiren Pujari, a Mumbai-based legal activist. "It prevents a girl below 18 from marrying, but legalises sexual intercourse with a wife just 15. Another paradox is section 375 of the IPC which states that 'sexual intercourse by a man with his own wife, the wife not being under 15 years of age, is not rape!' Ironically, the Criminal Procedure Code states that 'it is rape if the girl is not the wife of the man involved, is below 16, even if she consents. But if she is a wife, not below 15 and does not consent, it is not rape.'" When the Law Commission in its 42nd report advocated the inclusion of sexual intercourse by a man with his minor wife as an offence it was seen as a ray of hope. A joint committee which reviewed the proposal dismissed the recommendation. The committee argued that a husband cannot be found guilty of raping his wife whatever be her age. "When a man marries a woman, sex is also part of the package," says journalist Rasheeda Bhagat, explaining the committee's view point, though not necessarily justifying it. Another school of thought believes that rather than the law it is the lax enforcement of it that is the main worry. ". The laws are adequate. They only need to be strongly enforced," says Nalini Chidambaram, lawyer and wife of Finance Minister P. Chidambaram.If marital rape is made an offence there is a likelihood of a powerful backlash against women's rights. "People presume that women will use it as a stick to beat men with," feels Geetha. "It is important to recognise the fine line between truth and deceit. For every 10 genuine cases, there may be two false ones. Can we afford to ignore 10 at the expense of two?" asks Tamil author Sivasankari countering the supposition that men will be falsely victimised. But the police and the judiciary must be sensitised to deal with rape cases. In the early 90s, American Supreme Court judge, Sandra Day O'Connor, passed a landmark judgment. She declared: "Even within a marriage a simple 'no' by the wife is enough to indicate that she is not a willing party to sex." In Mexico, the country's Congress ratified a bill that makes domestic violence punishable by law. If convicted, marital rapists could be imprisoned for 16 years. The bill is awaiting an almost certain Senate approval.  Back home, in contrast, we have a woman Supreme Court advocate (Malini Poduval) championing the cause of the family unit (read patriarchal hegemony) thus: "In India, the institution of marriage is held sacred and it is reasoned that if every marital rift ended up in court it would lead to the destruction of the family unit."

 

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